Mel: ...or sisters from different mothers...
Tati: So you guys have been enjoying our crazy lists huh? Lots and lots of emails asking us to do more and more! Well, you know me. I’m a people pleaser. Mel also enjoys the art of pleasing humans, so here we go. Another list!
Mel: Although I’m best known for providing oral pleasure to both male and female humans at the same time even. Why just this weekend I made 5 Macaroni and Cheese & Glazed Doughnuts.
Tati: *sigh* Now I'm hungry...
Today we give you: people who never met their brothers and sisters because the milkman changed routes.
Mel: In my neighborhood it was the UPS man. For those unfamiliar with the Milkman Theory I suggest you check out The Amorous Milkman
Tati: Let’s begin with our multi-tasker: Bon Jovi. So far we've proved he is a Psycho-Killer and that he is turning into an old lesbian.
Now we will tell him -of course he reads the blog – that his dad was a Belgian milkman who wondered the States for a little while. If you ask me, I’ll tell you his dad was pretty hot, but for safety reasons, let’s stare at the family when they were still young and famous.
Mel: Well if we have a list, Bon Jovi has to be on it somewhere. I can picture his dad now. In some pub with a cold beer in his hand while people come up and say “Hey you look a bit like Bon Jovi!” While the drunk guy at the end of the bar slurs “No Van Dame it”
Tati: Brad’s mom also enjoyed some milk from Porto Rico. Little did she know that Hollywood would put an end to her lies!
Mel: You figure that’s why Angelina likes all her multi-cultural children? Because Brad is half Porto Rican? Or is she just another Mia Farrow – with her 15 kids? Either way I think this particular revelation disturbed me the most.
Tati: Next from our international Milkmen, we have the Irish Milkman who liked italo-american babes from Manhattan. Some people think Al Pacino looks like Robert Deniro, but Gabriel Byrne is his true brother!
Mel: OMG I have officially shat bricks. No really these two are twins separated at birth forget the whole international milk donations.
Tati: Well, this is not a case of lost Milkman. Sebastian Bach and Fernanda Lima are actually the same person. Whenever he is not on tour he goes back to Brazil to work as a model.
Mel: And I thought all the good transvestites were from Thailand or somewhere around there. Although, come to think of it...
Tati: Aww Sebastian is not a tranny. He is just natural I guess haha...
Tati: Oh man, this one is my favorite! Given the age difference I would say that Mr. Bean’s mom met Ritchie’s dad on a Milkmen conference in Pennsylvania in 1969.
Mel: Apparently both Bean & Ritchie`s dad used the “get her drunk enough” method of conception.
Tati: Here is another mistake people make. People think Bono is related to Robin Williams. But no, Bono is the older brother of Dunga, one of the worst Brazilian’s Soccer coaches in all Soccer history.
Mel: Actually...I read this book called The Boys from Brazil about Nazi doctors & Human Clones. I`m starting to think it is no coincidence there are so many Brazilians on this list. Also with a name like “Dung-a” what did you expect? ...Not that Bono is any less retarded of a name, but at least it isn’t “Crapo”.
Tati: The Hollaback girls! This was a busy Milkman. But he did a good job. I can even see how it happened. After Brittany and Gwen were born, Milkman went away to travel around the world. He met Leighton’s mom in Jamaica.
“Meester's parents, Connie and Doug, were involved in a drug ring that smuggled marijuana from Jamaica to the United States. Both were arrested for their involvement in the ring, and Connie was released on bail. While out, Connie became pregnant, and once she was convicted, she spent her pregnancy in a Texas state prison.” – That’s according to Wikipedia.
Mel: And if you read it on Wikipedia you know that it’s the truth. OMG. NO really, it really does say that.
Tati: Of course it does. Even if I wanted, I would not be able to make something like this up.
Tati: The reason you see 2 Iggys here is because it needed to be done. The picture in the middle looks like Anthony Kiedis a few years ago, proving my point even more. The Milkman who did this in 20 years intervals, came from Lithuania (Well not really but his parents did, so there!)
Mel: Okay! This Milkman who donated his milk was obviously physically attractive and hell maybe was even attractive period, but either he had the hots for retarded girls or he himself was mentally impaired. Proof that screwing may be indicative of someone attempting to tighten theirs or their selected partners back into place.
Tati: To me, this one works like a time line. I think in 5 more years Josh Todd will look like Denis Leary and in like 15 years or so he will look like his older brother Willem Dafoe. Every time I see Buckcherry live I imagine it’s Willen Dafoe singing. Makes me smile!
Mel: Which is your vehicle of time travel preference? The Delorian from Back to the Future, The telephone booth from Bill & Ted`s Excellent Adventure – or the simple Time Warp? Whatever you do remember to bring your own weapons because I’ve only ever done this once.
Tati: I prefer the Delorian, but Keanu is hotter, so I might trade hot for comfy... To be honest, I'd hit Josh Todd at any age, now that I've seen his future.
Tati: I don’t believe that they are different people. Winona needed a new career so she started again with a new name. She was smart pretending she came from London. But I guarantee there is no Milkman involved in this case.
Mel: You forgot that she looks so much like Natalie Portman she was cast as Padmés double. And I only now realized that it wasn’t all magic green screens & CGI. However, this whole Winona/Keira thing makes sense to me. How else is a girl supposed to sit on Johnny Depp’s & Orlando Bloom’s laps at the same time, while becoming one of Hollywood’s highest paid actresses.
Tati: Well duh! Why do you think Carmen Electra married Dave? This Milkman also works in 20 years intervals. That is a common practice amongst the Milkmen so there will be no suspicions. It works most of the time, but I am too smart for them. But I’m not judging you know? Just pointing that out...
Mel: 20 year difference? You know...it could be that instead of 20 year intervals Dave Navarro’s mom was a really big Prince fan.
Tati: Mel! Stop disturbing my logic!
Tati: Alright! This is another busy Milkman. He came from Brazil, then he went to the Uk and made Mrs. Idol one happy mom. Then to the US and made Mrs. Zombie Happy, then went back to Brazil to create Supla! AUUUUU PAPITO!
Mel: Okay, now there is no doubt about the fact that these dear boys had a cocky bad mouthed father who had an attitude (and maybe other things) bigger than he knew what to do with because seriously have you seen Supla’s mom? – Although if you look at his dad it proves the Milkman theory.
Tati: Well Supla's mom does know about sex. And maybe she just didn't age well *NOT*
Tati: This is the proof that the former Milkman was from Brazil. You see, Pedro de Lara was the older brother. He was born in Brazil, so yeah, I am right again.
Are you lost? Ok I’ll explain. Rob Zombie is Spider’s brother, that gives us 4 brothers! Pedro de Lara, Rob Zombie, Spider One, Billy Idol and Supla! WOW B-B-B-Busy!
Mel: Definitely bigger than he knew what to do with. Or rather didn’t know better than what to do with...wait Rob Zombie and Spider One can you imagine what their childhoods were like sitting there at the breakfast table? Sounds like a new sitcom to me!
Tati: Can you imagine the whole family together????
Tati: I’m not sure that this was the work of a Milkman. I think Zooey just didn’t want to mix her singing career with her acting career. It’s fine Zooey. I’ll keep your secret.
Mel: Great now I have “I kissed a girl” stuck in my head. There are worse things though. Although what is one to do if you kiss a girl and kinda like it? Hmmm Tati?
Tati: Well Mel, I guess that if you kinda like it, you kinda kiss her again!
Tati: HA! Last but not least: Seu Madruga A.K.A. Ramon Valdez and Dr. House! Awesome Milkman from Mexico who moved to the UK 30 years later. You are my hero Mexican Milkman!
Mel: In this case I prefer to believe it was the work of a time traveling milkman offering his own special brand of milk to sprinkle over the oat fields because otherwise I have to believe Seu Madruga is House's father. Also House is Gordon Freeman.
HA!
