This week Mel and I got into this HUGE fight because she insisted that blondes have more fun. We spent a long time arguing, until we decided to do science and prove once and for all who has more fun!
So we did what any friend in distress would do. We went shopping! We spent the whole day online buying goodies from local stores. The test results will be posted on Friday.
Mel: The Statistical Chart has already been created and data will be collected during the week in order to statistically analyze to learn the true results.
Tati: Today we will leave you with the results of our shopping spree (you will have to come back on Friday to see what we actually bought)
WARNING: Some pictures are not safe for work, but they are not that heavy either, I’d go for it. I’d even show them to my boss. I’d even invite my boss’ wife to see them, I’d even invite my boss’ wife’s mom to see them!
Mel: Of course Tati is currently working freelance so just because she would do it doesn’t mean you should.
Tati: Or does it?
Pleasure Periscope
“A "vibrating 4-inch probe with built-in periscope light and viewing window"Tati: this is technology at its best! Not only you can pleasure yourself, but you can perform a full gynecological exam or if you are feeling naughty enough (or brave), you can give your boyfriend a Colonoscopy. I am pretty sure he will love it!
Mel: This is clearly something imagined by a guy and designed by one as it looks like something from Star Trek - To boldly go where no Trekkie has gone before.
Tati: one more reason to give him a colonoscopy
NOT
Strawberry Ass
"freshly scented strawberry jelly anus with tight noduled sleeve."
Tati: Oh man, a strawberry jelly anus? That must smell so bad, but surely smells better than any regular scented anus.
Mel: This makes me think of Donuts. Like this was supposed to have been a “Freshly scented strawberry jelly donut anus”
Pretty much, yeah...
Mr. Jack with Mustache
“A rubber jack-off sleeve for men, shaped like a male mouth and chin”
Mel: This is just wrong. However it will be a true test of which has more fun - count how many men you turn on by holding one of those and winking suggestively.
Tati: this must feel like getting a blow job from a deformed Mexican. This looks so creepy like the baby alien that comes from inside the Alien’s mouth on the Alien’s movie. Or a gay Muppet.
The Cone
Tati: Well, it’s pink, looks like a party hat and vibrates. I’d sit on it! Last party hat I sat on didn’t even bother to vibrate. I’m not complaining, but I think it would be nice if it had vibrated. You can also lay on it or sit against gravity on it too.
What are they reading?
Mel: They are probably reading the instruction manual.
Tati: looks easy from my point of view...
Tuyo
Tati: this is a crazy vibrating ball, super GLAM, comes in black and blacker, and also in white and pink. You can roll it all over you, your boyfriend, your neighbours, friends, networking is very important these days with the recession. I think this ball might be a great ice breaker.
Mel: But the true test is whether I can convince the Prince of the Universe to trade me one of these for his Katamari.
Tati: Oh!
Delight
Tati: Don’t worry, I am tilting my head too. This is like an Escher vibrator. Comes in 3 cool colors, I like this one cause it’s the same color as my tooth brush.
Mel: It comes in a nice case too. And if you leave it lying around no one would ever guess especially if you put a cute face sticker over the on off switch. In fact it should.
Does this one come with an instruction manual? Because I’m not sure I have the proper alien anatomy for this one.
Tati: Maybe THAT's the instructions that the Cone girls were reading!
The skateboard
Tati: Well this one had a horrible scary name and I renamed it to Skateboard, because it looks like one.
You basically put your beef thermometer inside that hole then go stick it in someone, make those bullets vibrate and see what happens. According to the description, the curvy things are dolphin’s tails.
Mel: of COURSE it's Dolphin related. Only the “best” things are after all. I agree The skateboard is a much better name. This one looks like it’s going to hurt for the wrong reasons.
The Clit Bumper
Tati: This one is easy! You put your Dilly-ho-ho in the hole (just like the skateboard), then turn your clit bumper on, then go bump some clits.
You can also put it on your bike’s handlebar, looks totally appropriate for that.
The Willie Wrapper
This is the same as the Clit Bumper, but you can put your fun gun in the hole and your ping pongs in the other hole and go bump some clits.
Mel: This is getting too complicated. And if the guy is the one supposed to be taking the initiative and gearing up like Batman then why are they all pink?
Tati: Because it has to look pretty! Pretty in Pink HA!
The Accommodator
Tati: o.0
Mel: O.o
Tati: O.O
I am trying not to judge here, but, but.... Yes I’m tilting my head!
Mel: I'm left nearly speechless...and not in a good way. However, it’s a good thing it comes with a picture, I would have assumed it was supposed to go on my head and that was a chin strap, not the other way around.
Tati: I truly don't know what would be worse.
Club vibe
Tati: Mmmm the OhMiBod guys are our best friends! We already reviewed their “NaughtiBod” and the “Gspot.” on previous posts.
What you do is: you plug your awesome OhMiBod into your ipod/whateverpod you have and you vibrate with the music. But this one, this one is dangerous.
This one you put it inside your panties turn it on and go out. Then it picks up the sounds around you and you are fucked! Literally, by anything that emits a sound. On the website their suggestion is for you to go to a Club. Got it? Club – Vibe?
Mel: ... Does this mean this only works if the sounds are eardrum splitting? Only picks up bass? This just sounds like someone didn't think this through all the way. This does however explain that one woman on the metro the other day though.
IBuzz
This is the same as the OhMiBod, but without the GLAM. This is ugly and well it’s REALLY ugly.
Mel: Not only that but is this for two people? 1 person? Why all the cords (I hate cords) and weird attachments and what is up with the alien rabbit? And let’s be honest at this point you should just go Glam – because this does not look user friendly.
Tati: This one looks like the Chinese version of the IBuzz, maybe it’s to use with the whateverpods? I don’t care, it’s ugly!
Head Candy
Tati: This is hilarious. For those who never gave or received a blowjob (so they don’t know that teeth are not welcome), you have this thing that you bite then go give some unlucky guy/girl a blowjob. It tastes like candy, so here is how I think it will go:
You put this in your mouth and unless you are Steven Tyler or his daughter, this will limit considerably the useable size of your mouth. Then you will start drooling, because it tastes like candy. Add that to a guy/girl who thinks blowjobs with teeth are fun and yes my darling, GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that!
Write us telling how did it go for you: skuties@gmail.com
Mel: Do these dissolve like candy? Like are these mouth guard lollipops? Or just flavored plastic? Either way, this can NOT be a top seller. Must be a gag gift right?
Tati: Nope, DEAD SERIOUS!
Tongue Vibe
Tati: this one looks like you need to have total control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings. Otherwise I predict teeth marks and tragic choking followed by a bloody taco warmer and probably death.
Mel: And with a giant vibrating plastic thing in your mouth you KNOW that you will have perfect control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings for as long as you wear the thing. In fact the longer you use it the better, and that thing that holds it on? You don't even notice it’s there.
Tati: right?
Creepy dildos
The diving Nun
The bone dead
And of course the baby Jesus anal plug
Tati: These, of course, are only for normal people.
Mel: The fact these even exist...let alone someone is selling them and people are potentially using them. I mean sure Death you can see the symbolism and all there but the Baby Jesus? Really? I mean I want to see the demographics for who buys and uses this thing. No wait. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about ANYONE who uses any baby like that.
Improv dildos
(I love this world, dildo!)
Mel: It always makes me think of Bilbo Baggins -_-
Tati: haha Bilbo dildo!
Tati: Errrrr.....Well it’s better than sticking baby Jesus up your ass.
Mel: yeah suddenly after baby Jesus everything is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
And of course, the best, cutest and GLAM-EST of all:
Paul and Paulina!
Tati: HAHAHA how fucking cute is that? It would only be better if it made funny noises, like cute ones...Oh man!
Mel: Of course at that point you would be testing whether it is possible to orgasm while laughing. Do inch worms make noises?
Tati: hope so!
Mel: We couldn't leave Elvis out of the fun completely however, the closest thing we could find was this little number. Which is disturbing for a whole new set of reasons – at least it keeps them off your leg.
Mel: This makes me think of Donuts. Like this was supposed to have been a “Freshly scented strawberry jelly donut anus”
Pretty much, yeah...Mr. Jack with Mustache
“A rubber jack-off sleeve for men, shaped like a male mouth and chin”
Mel: This is just wrong. However it will be a true test of which has more fun - count how many men you turn on by holding one of those and winking suggestively.
Tati: this must feel like getting a blow job from a deformed Mexican. This looks so creepy like the baby alien that comes from inside the Alien’s mouth on the Alien’s movie. Or a gay Muppet.
The Cone
Tati: Well, it’s pink, looks like a party hat and vibrates. I’d sit on it! Last party hat I sat on didn’t even bother to vibrate. I’m not complaining, but I think it would be nice if it had vibrated. You can also lay on it or sit against gravity on it too.
What are they reading?Mel: They are probably reading the instruction manual.
Tati: looks easy from my point of view...
Tuyo
Tati: this is a crazy vibrating ball, super GLAM, comes in black and blacker, and also in white and pink. You can roll it all over you, your boyfriend, your neighbours, friends, networking is very important these days with the recession. I think this ball might be a great ice breaker.
Mel: But the true test is whether I can convince the Prince of the Universe to trade me one of these for his Katamari.
Tati: Oh!
Delight
Tati: Don’t worry, I am tilting my head too. This is like an Escher vibrator. Comes in 3 cool colors, I like this one cause it’s the same color as my tooth brush.
Mel: It comes in a nice case too. And if you leave it lying around no one would ever guess especially if you put a cute face sticker over the on off switch. In fact it should.
Does this one come with an instruction manual? Because I’m not sure I have the proper alien anatomy for this one.
Tati: Maybe THAT's the instructions that the Cone girls were reading!
The skateboard
Tati: Well this one had a horrible scary name and I renamed it to Skateboard, because it looks like one.You basically put your beef thermometer inside that hole then go stick it in someone, make those bullets vibrate and see what happens. According to the description, the curvy things are dolphin’s tails.
Mel: of COURSE it's Dolphin related. Only the “best” things are after all. I agree The skateboard is a much better name. This one looks like it’s going to hurt for the wrong reasons.
The Clit Bumper
Tati: This one is easy! You put your Dilly-ho-ho in the hole (just like the skateboard), then turn your clit bumper on, then go bump some clits.
You can also put it on your bike’s handlebar, looks totally appropriate for that.
The Willie Wrapper
This is the same as the Clit Bumper, but you can put your fun gun in the hole and your ping pongs in the other hole and go bump some clits.
Mel: This is getting too complicated. And if the guy is the one supposed to be taking the initiative and gearing up like Batman then why are they all pink?
Tati: Because it has to look pretty! Pretty in Pink HA!
The Accommodator
Tati: o.0
Mel: O.o
Tati: O.O
I am trying not to judge here, but, but.... Yes I’m tilting my head!
Mel: I'm left nearly speechless...and not in a good way. However, it’s a good thing it comes with a picture, I would have assumed it was supposed to go on my head and that was a chin strap, not the other way around.
Tati: I truly don't know what would be worse.
Club vibe
Tati: Mmmm the OhMiBod guys are our best friends! We already reviewed their “NaughtiBod” and the “Gspot.” on previous posts.
What you do is: you plug your awesome OhMiBod into your ipod/whateverpod you have and you vibrate with the music. But this one, this one is dangerous.
This one you put it inside your panties turn it on and go out. Then it picks up the sounds around you and you are fucked! Literally, by anything that emits a sound. On the website their suggestion is for you to go to a Club. Got it? Club – Vibe?
Mel: ... Does this mean this only works if the sounds are eardrum splitting? Only picks up bass? This just sounds like someone didn't think this through all the way. This does however explain that one woman on the metro the other day though.
IBuzz
This is the same as the OhMiBod, but without the GLAM. This is ugly and well it’s REALLY ugly.
Mel: Not only that but is this for two people? 1 person? Why all the cords (I hate cords) and weird attachments and what is up with the alien rabbit? And let’s be honest at this point you should just go Glam – because this does not look user friendly.
Tati: This one looks like the Chinese version of the IBuzz, maybe it’s to use with the whateverpods? I don’t care, it’s ugly!
Head Candy
Tati: This is hilarious. For those who never gave or received a blowjob (so they don’t know that teeth are not welcome), you have this thing that you bite then go give some unlucky guy/girl a blowjob. It tastes like candy, so here is how I think it will go:You put this in your mouth and unless you are Steven Tyler or his daughter, this will limit considerably the useable size of your mouth. Then you will start drooling, because it tastes like candy. Add that to a guy/girl who thinks blowjobs with teeth are fun and yes my darling, GOOD FUCKING LUCK with that!
Write us telling how did it go for you: skuties@gmail.com
Mel: Do these dissolve like candy? Like are these mouth guard lollipops? Or just flavored plastic? Either way, this can NOT be a top seller. Must be a gag gift right?
Tati: Nope, DEAD SERIOUS!
Tongue Vibe
Tati: this one looks like you need to have total control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings. Otherwise I predict teeth marks and tragic choking followed by a bloody taco warmer and probably death.
Mel: And with a giant vibrating plastic thing in your mouth you KNOW that you will have perfect control of your mouth, tongue and surroundings for as long as you wear the thing. In fact the longer you use it the better, and that thing that holds it on? You don't even notice it’s there.
Tati: right?
Creepy dildos
The diving Nun
The bone dead
And of course the baby Jesus anal plug
Tati: These, of course, are only for normal people.
Mel: The fact these even exist...let alone someone is selling them and people are potentially using them. I mean sure Death you can see the symbolism and all there but the Baby Jesus? Really? I mean I want to see the demographics for who buys and uses this thing. No wait. I don’t want to know ANYTHING about ANYONE who uses any baby like that.
Improv dildos
(I love this world, dildo!)
Mel: It always makes me think of Bilbo Baggins -_-
Tati: haha Bilbo dildo!
Tati: Errrrr.....Well it’s better than sticking baby Jesus up your ass.
Mel: yeah suddenly after baby Jesus everything is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
And of course, the best, cutest and GLAM-EST of all:
Paul and Paulina!
Tati: HAHAHA how fucking cute is that? It would only be better if it made funny noises, like cute ones...Oh man!
Mel: Of course at that point you would be testing whether it is possible to orgasm while laughing. Do inch worms make noises?
Tati: hope so!
Mel: We couldn't leave Elvis out of the fun completely however, the closest thing we could find was this little number. Which is disturbing for a whole new set of reasons – at least it keeps them off your leg.
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